Walking With a Narcissist (Part 2)

Now, you just entered some deep water, you are losing your balance and your control…Everything is calm for a while, then there is a wave of arguments that you have caused. They just cannot understand why you are getting upset?! What is wrong with you, seriously? You hear that a lot. Each time this cycle happens, when the calm returns you spend quality time together and you become more involved- more invested. The chemistry is intense, they know every single part of your body and they know exactly how to please. It’s human nature; sex makes us happy, it eats away at our stress levels- the connection brings feelings of intimacy and closeness…Anything that you argued about before is history. 

 The lack of empathy is a problem for you, it has always been a problem for you- but this is different. Whenever you mention your own feelings, they will always be talked down and this lack of empathy will suddenly be projected onto you. They don’t owe you anything, you are responsible for your own positivity and self-esteem, and you really shouldn’t expect any acknowledgement if you have ‘one of those days’– they really don’t have time for it.

The communication style switches, and suddenly, there is no time in the day to talk- life is just so busy; it’s never a good time to talk. The phone calls stop, reaching the voicemail occurs and messages become less frequent. There is no conversation- you will begin to see a chain of closed answers, one-word answers or just simply, no reply at all. You started off calm in the beginning, happy and excited by them- but slowly but surely, your anxiety has risen as they start to call the shots on communication. The times of long messages and phone calls has ceased, but you need to understand, they have more things to worry about than you right now!

                  They might go hours, days or even weeks without contacting you, their behaviour will be completely justified because there will have been something you said or did that they really didn’t appreciate- and not talking to you is easy for them anyway. You will get used to it. 

As time passes by, you will start to realise that the word convenience plays a big part in this whole affair. In the beginning, it was all about making you feel special and wanted…That is until they are certain you have developed feelings for them. Then it stops. The effort stops. Now it is a case of, are you convenient right now? Do they really need to spend any time talking to you? Do they ask how your day has been? Do they pick up on the fact that you are slowly becoming more emotional, your mood has dropped, and you are not your usual self? The answer to all of the questions are no. Apart from the last one. Of course, they see the change in you, but it is sadly a sheer case of, they do not really care for you and your wellbeing- it is so insignificant that it’s not even worth talking about, so don’t expect emotional support because it will never exist.

A growing feeling inside of you tells you that what they are doing isn’t right, but when the good times are good, you forget about the times when it was bad; you forget about the countless times when you were silenced because quite frankly, what you have to say is not important anyway. It will always be about them, never about you. The old phrase: ‘treading on egg shells’ becomes something that you can resonate with, something that becomes embedded in your daily life with them. It really starts to become a battle with your head and your heart; the signs are there, it is so clear to see and feel what is going on, yet, your heart convinces you that there is something worth holding on to. The flawed vision of them in your memory manifests in your brain to make you think that there is some good inside of them- you overlook the rest.

The manipulation is consistent, whether it is to manipulate you to think that you caused the problem, or to manipulate how you feel about a situation. You question their lies- which you know for certain are lies, and all of a sudden, they completely divert to something that has nothing to do with the situation, just to get a heated reaction from you, so that they can play the victim and tell you how much you have hurt them! How dare you question them? You have no right to do that- are you stupid? The tactic is so simple for them: distract and distort your understanding of reality. This is what professionals like to call ‘gaslighting’.

What is crucial in the mist of all of this, is that, you are slowly losing your control whilst they are gaining it- and revelling in it. They will call every shot, they will decide when it is and isn’t a good time to talk- they will decide whether you have a good day or a bad day. There will never be any doubt that your actions and responses to their behaviour will be justified but prepare for it to be blow out of proportion, get shut down, and be prepared to be the sole person who caused this. Never expect them to consider or prioritise you in their life, there is no room for you and your entirety. They have identified your strengths, but they too have identified your weaknesses. They know what makes you tick, and they know exactly how to get a reaction out of you to cause an issue. Never believe that these issues just appear ‘out of the blue’– it is all premeditated behaviour to justify something that they did.

This is the moment where you start to recognise what is going on, but you choose to ignore the signs that are fast becoming major red flags.

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