The Narcissist (Part 1)

It will start with harmless conversation, subtle flirting- but always appropriate, never crude- because subconsciously, you will already be thinking: ‘oh, I like their kindness…they have a sensitive side’. Of course, we like this. We like to feel like there is depth to a person. 

Conversation develops, the frequency increases, texts become phone calls and before you know it, you are spending time with them and finding out about how bad things have been for them. They are doing so well now, very afraid of getting hurt again- but they don’t want to talk about it, it’s just too much to deal with. 

The time you spend feels very special, very different- you feel appreciated and adored. They hate if you feel uncomfortable or compare yourself to others, because why should you? You are absolutely wonderful and do not realise your own beauty, they hate that you put yourself down, that is an issue for them- that’s what they say anyway. So, slowly but surely, that little mental barrier starts to drop, and you think: ‘wow, this is really nice- I am enjoying this’– and the compliments continue, and the barrier falls. They are in.

Flip the coin and you are suddenly causing issues, not recognising every single thing about them or agreeing entirely with what they say. Your own opinions and feelings do not matter either, and if you decide to voice them- you don’t get any acknowledgement or any apology, its simply stupid and you are being paranoid…But whatever you do, you absolutely mustn’t forget about their feelings, saying sorry is really important. 

The path is rocky. When you are together, its perfect; very intense and very passionate. You feel strongly towards them because they are attentive to your needs, they can see who you are, your strengths and definitely your weaknesses, so they know how to please. If these times together were consistent, it would be everything you are looking for… They are not consistent. Although you try to convince yourself that it is and that you are becoming the problem. What are you playing at? 

Their behaviour can change as and when, with or without warning- but somehow, you will have played a part in this in some way. No matter how you express how you are feeling, there will be no recognition that 1, you feel hurt, 2, their behaviour has caused you to feel hurt and 3, that they are responsible for your feelings getting hurt- that isn’t their issue. Somehow, you don’t know how, but you start to feel that actually, you were totally wrong to feel hurt, it’s silly. Small situations become bigger… It doesn’t feel so silly anymore. 

The relationship develops, and you know each other well. Well, they know you well… You have been honest about yourself, you feel that you can trust them. You think you know them and they let you think that you do, but you always feel surprised when behaviour and attitudes change. Blowing hot and cold- you just don’t understand what you have done wrong this time. 

You continue because you do really get on, and if you do have disagreements or arguments, it reverts back to normal so quickly that you almost forget it ever happened. The process restarts, and we are back to square one, a fresh start though so it is okay, it will be better this time. 

Now, apart from a couple of hiccups, everything has been fine. Everybody has their issues, this is normal. Its healthy to disagree; it’s human nature. You want to make sure that you don’t add any more pressure to the situation, you don’t want to cause additional stress or make them feel bad for their actions…They really don’t like it. You should never hold them accountable for their actions- you will always be the problem. 

Communication is key though, and we know this. So, we continue to open up, to share thoughts and feelings and to embrace their presence because they just lift you up- it’s refreshing. You understand their circumstances and you empathise with them and what they are going through…You always ask them how they are feeling, you encourage them to see the positives and tell them it will get better. 

One minute your heart is ready to burst, because they are just so lovely and attentive to your needs- or so you believe. The next minute you are asking yourself what happened, what did you do wrong for this outburst. Of course, you know all about their issues, and you know what is causing them so much stress and pressure- you should really just support them and help them through this tough time and stop causing more issues- your feelings can wait. 

Do you see what is happening? This is the exact point where you sacrifice your own feelings for theirs. 

L x

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