The only inevitability we have in life is death. I know- it feels like a very morbid way to open a blog… That is not to say that we need to focus on death- life is for living after all, but losing a loved one does almost force you to think about life and how it ends, but more importantly about those who are no longer here and the impact they had upon your life.
Lockdown 3.0 and I think I have been the most reflective I have ever been in my whole entire life- not only this, but I am also approaching three years since I was given the most life changing news I will probably ever receive. I am an over thinker by nature anyway, I wear my heart on my sleeve (which has proven to be an issue over the years– I’m working on it), but with so much time on my hands, sat in a lockdown, thinking has become part of my routine. As open as I am as a person, I hold so many things close to my heart, and actually do struggle to express certain aspects of my life to those closest to me, rarely sharing how I truly feel when it comes to the grief I feel inside. There are some evenings where he comes to my mind and I tell myself, I can’t go here tonight, because I know that if I do, I am in for a rough ride- and trust me, I feel incredibly guilty for this- but I know he would understand. There are times where it still feels very raw and I am full of emotion that I can’t control, I can’t get the details surrounding his death out of my head, and then other times, I can simply reminisce and focus on the happy memories that I have of him. They say it comes in waves, and that it does. If I could write a letter to my loved one, I would start by saying how truly blessed I am to have had such a positive and loving influence in my life.
Losing the other half of me, the person who knew me inside and out, the person who never left- even in the darkest times, the person who accepted and loved me just the way I am, and the person who became one of my very best friends, totally and entirely changed me as a person. I am not sure whether I am now a closed book, because the relationships I have trialled since have just never seemed to develop… You win some, you lose some and all of that. I was taught by one person, and one person only, how to love myself- he appreciated me and respected me and I can honestly say, I am yet to find somebody who sees me for who I am, and loves me for me… It takes an awful lot of strength to be open to finding a connection where I actually feel safe in somebody else’s space, and mostly, somebody that I can trust. It’s not that there is comparison- I don’t compare people to him, but the truth of it is, nobody has wanted to be present in my life the way that he was.
I have carried so much grief for the last three years, suppressed it for the last twelve months when letting new people into my life, not wanting to really express what losing him did to me as a person- perhaps this was where I went wrong? I think I have just tried everything possible to find a balance with my life, where I am moving on but also honouring somebody else’s life- it is a difficult task. I hope for nothing more than the day I can be at ease with another person, in love with another person, who understands that there will always be a part of me that owes who I am to him- because without him, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I know that my life was blessed with him in it, and he set the bar high when it comes to being shown respect and love.
There will never be quite enough words to express what it feels like to lose somebody so suddenly and so tragically… There will always be parts of me that wishes there was more time. Time where I could still learn from him- he always taught me things about myself that I never even realised myself… Especially when it came to my fiery nature and encouraging me to take more time to relax and control my reactions more- it makes me sound like a terrible person, but I promise I’m not! He just understood me- plain and simple…There was no need for me to hide who I was around him, even in the times where life wasn’t so great and there were issues, he still battled through it with me- regardless of our differing paths. There was a genuine level of mutual respect and understanding, and more importantly, a friendship that underpinned everything- I think it is rare to come by in a generation where the grass is always greener on the other side.
If I could send him a letter, it would be full of appreciation. I would want to thank him for everything he did for me, and not because he felt he had to, but because he wanted to. I would thank him for the wise words and wisdom, the warnings along the way and the support- it was all useful and it has all stuck with me. I want him to understand how he has influenced the standards that I have set for my life… I know what it feels like to be treated with the upmost respect, care and love- and I know that I should not settle for less, and that is down to him. Most importantly to me, I would just want him to know that there is not a day that passes me by where I do not consider how truly blessed I am. Completely and utterly blessed for the memories… They are all I have left, and after all, what is a life without memories?