It is another night where I just can’t sleep, it’s either, a full 8-9 hours or 3-4 hours- there is just no in-between. My mind is a mess. I can’t rest and my head is going around and around and around, over the same things- as it has been from the moment we entered 2021… Great start to the year, hey? This is the problem isn’t it, when you open your heart up to other people, when you let people in, when you trust people because you expect their intentions to be as pure as your own. I couldn’t have been more wrong in this case, I got it ALL totally wrong. I didn’t see this coming, and I never anticipated the damage that was waiting for me. Maybe he did?
I am not sure what is sadder, the loss of the friendship that I thought we had, or the fact that I believed the lies and fell for it all- hook, line and sinker. I mean, this upsets me because I am usually such a good judge of character, I can often pick up on the red flags, the bad energy, but in this case I just didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see him coming to begin with…I was not looking for him, I wasn’t looking for anybody- perhaps that is why it is so painful?
It is not the end of the world, I know that, but I also know that connections are far and few between and I just know that what I felt was real. I battled it, I played it down in my head, I had my walls up so high, I was so cautious consistently telling myself I wasn’t going to get hurt this time…I didn’t think he was actually capable of being the person he turned out to really be. The feelings, the time spent, the words spoken and everything else was just a lie. He left my life as he entered it: without any warning.
It is not an exaggeration when I say that I have been in actual pain at the thought of everything, it causes me pain to even think about him and what has happened. I just want to forget it all, erase it from my memory like it never happened… You know those situations where you just wish you could go back in time and change something- this is one of those moments. The happiness was shortlived, and the sadness completely outweighs the happy memories, so I would prefer to not have it at all.
What is it all about? When two people meet, and there is something shared, isn’t that the point where two people recipicate mutual levels of respect and understanding? Sadly we live in a generation where the grass is always greener on the other side, and toxicity is favoured more than genuine care and kindness. I guess it doesn’t count for nothing in this world to be a person who cares, so why go to so much effort? You are only going to have to pick up the pieces at a later date when you are no longer needed.
I know that this is a temporary feeling, but I think the older I get, the more it hurts me. I don’t let many people see me, not really see me and who I am inside as a person. So, I feel violated, in a way that is not the norm I suppose… I feel like somebody who didn’t appreciate who I was, has tapped into the energy that is mine, has taken what he wanted at the time, left and has never looked back… That is what is so painful. I am sure now that I was never going to be somebody to him, just another number.
What is the purpose of it all? What did I learn? What lesson can I take away from this mess? Honestly, right now, I just don’t have the answers, all I can be sure of is that it is hard to pick up the pieces when you are already as low as you can possibly be. Feeling emotionally drained, humiliated, hurt and in all honesty, heartbroken. Suffering in silence, smiling but so full of sadness. Letting go is the hardest thing to do when your heart isn’t ready, but you have no choice. I have been in and out of depressive moods, feeling all levels of hatred towards myself, wishing I could change everything about me, just so I would be enough, just so I would be worth it… I know that this is awful, because nobody should ever feel this way about themselves, but sadly I have ended up in this position.
Mastering the art of letting go is a challenge, accompanied by an array of emotions. If it was easy to let go, then it didn’t mean anything to begin with. That is how you learn the truth, without even needing to ask questions. If they can leave, with no hesitation and no hurt feelings, moving on like you never even existed, then clearly they had nothing to let go of in the first place… It was never real for them.
You have to learn to sit with it and go through the motions… Life happens and people come, and people go. The truth hurts just as much as letting go.